Painful Secrets- Phan
by Kelly Frobisher
Summary: Dan is depressed and struggling greatly and Phil has no clue. Dan has reached his limit but will Phil be there in time to save him? Sorry about the bad summary. Rated M because it may be triggering and because the possibility of other things later. I obviously don't own Dan or Phil. This story will be continued.
1. Chapter 1

Authors note: Obviously I don't own Dan and Phil. Phan is not a thing and if it is then this never happened, it is purely a work of fiction. Nothing in this story has ever happened it is all just part of my imagination. This is my first story and if people wish it to be continued it will, I already have more that I want to write with it. Side note, I love feedback so if you have something to say please do. Thank you and enjoy the story.

**Dan's pov **

I sit here on my bed staring at a small wooden box in my hands willing myself to open it one second and to put it back in its hiding place the next. I am exactly sure how much longer I can hold on, I knew that there were reasons for me to try, but those reasons really didn't seem to matter much anymore. There have just been too many things that have happened to me... i just can't, it hurts too much to keep forcing myself to breathe, to continue pretending that everything is okay, to pretend that I am not broken. But I am broken, there was nothing that I could do to deny that. I could hide it to the rest of the world, but when I was alone it all came to the surface, all the awful memories and thoughts just come poring out and I can't stop it.

There is only one reason that I haven't just stopped and that reason is Phil. Sweet, loving, caring Phil, the only light in my otherwise black existence. Even here there is darkness.

_I can't remember when I cried more then this. I'm lying in bed pleading with him, "Please just tell me that this is something more then just sex. It has been over a year that we've been togeth- that we have been doing this. I just want to know that I'm more then just a friend. After all we've done please tell me that I mean something to you because I can't handle not knowing anymore, it is tearing me to pieces.I lo- care about you so much that it hurts." He just looked at me with sad, blue eyes and said , "I know you do, I can see it. It's one of the reasons that I think your beautiful. But I'm sorry I just can't. The last time I was in love I ruined it and lost myself, I don't want to do that again. I will love you and care for you, but I won't be in love with you, at least not now. I'm sorry." I turned away from him and silently cried myself to sleep as he a held me. With that comforting gesture he was promising something that he would probably never be able to do. This was three years ago, he still hasn't been able to tell me that he loves me and I can't tell him I love him even though he knows, I'm not good at hiding it. _

My vision begins to blur and I can feel water drop on my arms as the tears begin to pour out. I fall to the ground next to my bed and bring my knees to my body holding them as tight as I can. I burry my head in them and begin to whisper "It's ok, it's ok. You can do this, you can do this. I can do this just pull yourself together, stop crying, stop, stop, stop... Oh it's not ok! I can't, I just can't do this, there is nothing, noting gets better. Nothing ever gets better, nothing will ever get better." Then I see the box is still in my hand and I know what I must do. I open it to see that the cold piece of metal is still there sitting on a bit of cloth. My fingers move towards it and- Phil. I can't leave him with nothing. I quickly grab the book that I write my dreams and sometimes memories in and open up to an empty page giving a quick though to Phil reading this note then this book and seeing just how damaged I am. Sometimes I'm not sure exactly why I write them down, they never end well and rarely begin well. I flip back one page and see the one where Phil had told me he loved me, but nothing got better. All the things that had happened to me still happened so I drowned myself. _Great, he is going to think your a complete freak. _I flipped back to the other page and began to write.

"To my beloved Phil,

If your reading this then that means that I have finally done it and I'm no longer with you. I am so sorry, I just couldn't hold on anymore. I just wanted you to know that I love you more then anything on this earth and this is not your fault. If you want to know some of the reasons I have become the way I am then just read this journal, it will basically tell you everything you need to know. And if you do read it I am sorry that I have never told you the things that happened to me I just didn't want to burden you and I thought that since you never noticed... you'll see. You are the only reason that I have made it for as long as I have, if it was't for you I would done this long ago. I just want to say thank you for being there for me and that it is ok that you didn't love me. Who could? But I loved you, you are the light of my life. Please move on, forget about me I'm not worth remembering anyways. Sorry for wasting your time with me, but thank you for the time you gave me, I cherished every moment. I love you, goodbye my sweet man. Goodbye my little lion, you're the only thing that I will miss. You were everything to me.

Dan"

I move my hand across the page and try to wipe away some of tears that had fallen onto the page as I wrote and realize that this is will be the last thing that I'll ever write, the last words, my last words.

_This is it. I can't believe it._ _I can finally end it. _

I set the book down next to me and run my hand over the wooden box. I reach inside and feel the cold metal of the razor blade warm as I pick it up. It amazes me how such a small thing will be the death of me, when I wield it this tiny little thing has the power to end my life. I look down at my right wrist and cut off the bands I have covering up my old scars. It is amazing, this new wound will never heal, this will be the last one. I bring the blade down to my wrist and pause only for a second then push it down harder then ever before and drag it up my arm. It hurts more then it ever had before, but the pain comforts me. It tells me that it will all be over soon. The blood was already flowing off my arm as I finish the cut. _One more just to make sure. _I bring the blade down again and drag it parallel to the last cut. The blade falls out of my had as I lean my head back onto the bed and just stare at the ceiling. Everything begins to fade as I focus on the feeling of my blood leaving my body. It is nice, there is no pain, just silence. All the memories and voices have stopped. I feel peaceful, truly peaceful for the first time in a long time. I let my eyes shut and smile.

"Goodbye my love."

_Whats that noise?_

**Phil's pov**

_Darn it, I didn't mean to be gone for this long, it has been 3 hours. So much for a simple trip into town. I hope Dan isn't worried, I know how he gets sometimes. If only I hadn't forgotten my flipping phone. I can't wait to see him again, I can't wait to surprise him._ My hand slips into my pocket and I feel the small velvet box and smile. Today is the day, I know for sure, Dan is the one no matter what, even if it means me getting lost again I will be with him forever. I love him.

As I turn the corner and see out apartment building I get even more excited then I already had been. _I'm going to ask Dan to marry me, this is the best day ever! _I walk up the steps and open the door just grinning. The lift feels like it takes forever but then I finally reach our floor and jump out. This is the day that I had been waiting for the first day of the rest of our lives together. I am shaking so much that it takes me a few tries to get the key into the door, but eventually I get it and nearly run into our home. _Our home. How sweet that sounds_. I felt like a child, I hadn't been this excited and happy about doing something in a very long time.

"Dan! I'm home!"

No reply, he must be sleeping, I'll wait. But first just one peak at my future fiancé. I snuck over to his door to his old room. We had been sharing my room for a long time now but he still preferred to take naps in his room. _He's just cute like that. _I pushed the door open as silently as I could so I didn't wake him then began to peak my head around.

_He is so cute when he's sleeping, just one peak. Aw he fell asleep on the -what was that all over him? Oh god no. _

"DAN! No, no, no!" I screamed as I ran over to him and wrapped my arms around him. "Sweetie please no, no, don't be dead, n-"

"Phil?"

"Yes Dan I'm here my love just stay with me, please!" I dialed 999 as quickly as I could then basically sobbed into the phone, "Yes, my friend has cut open his wrists, please get her as quickly as you can!" The phone went flying, all I cared about not was Dan. "Dan say something to me please." I picked up a shirt from nearby and wrapped it tightly around his wrist, there was so much blood, it just kept coming.

"Phil, I'm so sorry" said Dan in the weakest voice possible, "I couldn't stop, please don't hate me." He tried to open his eyes but they wouldn't open much. He just wanted to see Phil's face before he died.

"Dan, baby, I could never hate you. I love you, please, I love you. Your my world, don't leave me."

"You love me? Really?" A small smile had appeared on Dan's lips.

"Yes I love you, I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you, but I love you and I want you to marry me. See?" I pulled out the ring and put it in front of Dan's face. He slowly opened his eyes and smiled. I quickly grabbed his untouched left arm and slipped the small gold band onto his cold finger.

"You wanted me to marry you? Phil... thank you. Thank you." His eyes began to close again.

"No Dan! Look at me! Keep your eyes open. You haven't given me an answer yet sweetie, please look at me."

"Yes." Dan whispered. "I love you. I'm so tired."

I heard the sirens approach and stop outside our flat. "I know, please just stay with me, it will be fine. Everything will be fine, everything's fine." I heard the paramedics at the door. "IN HERE!" I yelled. "Dan, the paramedics are here you're going to be fine sweetie, stay with me."

"Ok, I'll try." Dan said as the paramedics began to pull me away from him. I didn't want to but I knew that I had to. "Phil..." and then he was taken out the door. _What am I going to do, what if he doesn't make it? What if this is my fault? If I had told him sooner, if I would have noticed something was wrong with him. How did I not notice that something was wrong with him? How did I miss something this big. Oh no, what would I do without dan? _

The thoughts poured out of my head as quickly as the tears did. I sat there covered in Dan's blood till I realized that I needed to go, _I have to go to the hospital. I need clothes for Dan_, _I need_- Then I saw it lying there on the blood stained carpet was a journal. A journal with my name at the top of the entry. I slowly picked it up and began to read.

"To my beloved Phil..."


	2. Update

Hey, sorry for not updating, the hard drive on my computer has crashed. I'll be able to get it fixed next week so I will update this story then. For now I have been writing the next few chapters down in a notebook and revising them like crazy so there (hopefully) will be less errors and an overall better story. Thank you and I hope that you will enjoy what I am working on. See you next week! :) ps if you really want something in the story please tell me and I will either add it to this one or make a story around it.


	3. Maybe the end

Hey people, I just got my computer back but something big has happened in my life. My guess is that no one will probably care but I need to say it because I don't really have any friends to talk to. (context: I'm 21) I have been dating this guy for a year and a half and he just called me and broke up with me because he met a girl and asked her to marry him...a week ago, and I talked to him a couple of days ago and everything was fine, or so I though. I am pretty much what you would consider a wreck since this is not the first time something like this has happened to me and I was, or still am, in love with this guy. So hurry for my life. I don't want to write at the moment because if I do I would probably end the story on a sad note and I don't wish to do that. So sorry for not continuing I'm not even sure if I will, I know I'm a bad writer so I'm not sure why I try. Thanks to those of you that did follow, it really made me happy.


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